Switching over my blogs from my myspace. I don't want them to be lost. Monday, December 17, 2007 3 Years Current mood: sad Jordon, It's been 3 years since I've seen your smiling face. Everyday I think of you but it seems lately I've thought of you even more. When I see a little kid on the playground or in a store I wonder what you would be like. What you would look like. Would you be smart or in to sports. These things pass through my mind and I know I will never know the answers. I offten wonder what it will be like to see you again in heaven. Will you be a baby still or a grown man. Will you grow and have a childhood in heaven or do you stay forever 6 months old. Will you know me when I get there. Will I know you. These things pass through my mind constantly and I know no one has the answeres but its something I think a lot about. I just want you to know that I love you and always will. I hope you understand why you had to go and arn't upset that your sister is hear on earth with us and not you. I hope you got to spend some time with her before she came to us. And I know you watch over her. I can sometimes swear I see her playing with you. Or having a conversation with you. I'm going to end this letter now but I wanted you to know that I have thought about you every day the last 3 years. I will never stop loving you. I can't wait to see you again. Love Momma P.S. I sing you your song everynight before I go to sleep. Do you hear me? Powered by English Albanian Arabic Bulgarian Catalan Chinese Croatian Czech Danish Dutch Estonian Filipino Finnish French Galician German Greek Hebrew Hindi Hungarian Indonesian Italian Japanese Korean Latvian Lithuanian Maltese Norwegian Polish Portuguese Romanian Russian Serbian Slovak Slovenian Spanish Swedish Thai Turkish Ukrainian Vietnamese

Tuesday, July 31, 2007 Jaida's 1st trip in ambulance Current mood: grateful So Jaida has had a fever off and on for about a week and a half. I thought it was from teething because she hasn't been sick at all. So last night she feel asleep in her swing so I decided to go to bed and told Jeremy to bring her in when he comes to bed. Well I was in bed and had just got done saying my prayers. When I herd a weird scream.The only way to explain it would be to say it was like and older child screaming like they were afraid of something. So I jump out of bed and am running to the office. I see Jeremy running from our kitchen. Which is like the next room.He getts there first and I see him screaming and his face is pail. He's saying Jaida Jaida please wake up please Jaida oh god. SO I take Jaida and am trying to get her to look at me because her eyes are open. But she is stiff and can not move. Jeremy called 911 while I tried to snap Jaida out of it. I thought she was dying in my arms. So I layed her on the floor and checked her air way. There was nothing. So I gave her 2 breaths because I didn't think she was breathhing. She took a gasp of air. Then she started to snap out of it alittle. By the time the perimedics got there she was almost normal. But we took her temt. and it was 104.4 and her heart was racing. So then when the peremedic's got there they also took her temp and it was 103.2. So then we got her in the ambulance. They said she had a seizure. My poor little baby. So we get to the hospital. and they had to give her a cathiter,blood work,chest scan, and then a shot in each leg of antibiotic. (Which she also had today. and will have tommarow) It turns out she had a urinary tract infection. and I didn't know. I asked how you can tell in babies? And they said you can't other then them having a fever that won't break. and keeps coming back. So ya we had a long night. It was so scary because everything that happened was the same as the morning Jordon died. The way Jeremy screamed for her to wake up,the look on his face, the way my whole body got numb and scared. It was a very emotional night for me. Jeremy took Jaida to get her chest ex ray.and I stayed in the hospital room and just bawled my eyes out. I must have been pretty loud cause the nurse (whomb I went to high school with) came in and asked if I needed anything. So ya it was one of the scarest things that has happened to me. And I know that there is a lot of spelling/grammer error's in this but I havn't got much sleep. I'm to afraid to sleep. I feel like I have to watch her constantly.

Saturday, January 27, 2007 What makes a mother Current mood: drained Category: Writing and Poetry WHAT MAKES A MOTHER? I thought of you and closed my eyes and prayed to God today. I asked what makes a Mother and I know I heard him say: A Mother has a baby this we know is true. But God can you be a mother when your baby's not with you? Yes, you can He replied with confidence in His voice. I give many women babies when they leave is not their choice. Some I send for a lifetime and others for a day. And some I send to feel your womb, but there's no need to stay. I just don't understand this, God I want my baby here. He took a breath and cleared His throat and then I saw a tear. I wish I could show you what your child is doing today. If you could see your child smile with other children and say: "We go to earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear. My Mommy loved me oh so much I got to come straight here. I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me and I learned my lesson very quickly so the Lord has set me free. I miss my Mommy oh so much but I visit her each day. When she goes to sleep on her pillow that's where I lay. I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear: "Mommy don't be sad today I'm your baby and I'm here." So you see my dear sweet one your children are ok. Your babies are here in my home and this is where they'll stay. They'll wait for you with me until your lesson is through. And on that day that you come home they'll be at the gates for you. So now you see what makes a Mother, it's the feeling in your heart. It's the love you had so much of, right from the very start. I got this off a friend of mines page. Before I had Jaida I wondered all the time if I could still call my self a mother. I always did but I wondered how people took it because I no longer had a child. I remember my first mothers day after Jordon had passed. Everyone including my husband forgot to wish me a happy mothers day. Then I went to the Maurer's for a mothers day bbq. And Rachel and Chris had bought me a mothers day gift. It was so sweet. Jeremy felt so bad that he forgot to tell me happy mothers day. He said he forgot because we no longer had a child. And I was so hurt because I felt like we still did. I still caried him for 9 months. I still gave birth to him. I still cared for him for 6 months before he had passed away. I explained this to him. And he agreed and felt really bad. SO now he always does something special. I never no what to say when people ask is this your first child. I always say she's my second. and that always make them ask oh how old is your first? Then I have to explain to them That my first would have been 2 1/2 but he passed away when he was 6 months old. Then I have to look at there faces as they get this worried look on there face. Wondering if they have said something wrong. To me it feels good to tell them about Jordon being my first because he is. But then I feel bad that they feel bad. Jeremy never knows what to say to them so he will just drop the conversation and look at me to finish. Because he dosn't want to make them feel ocward. (sp?) But I can't just not say anything. He still was and is my son. I have a terriable cold and so does Jaida. We are all congested. It makes me nervouse for her to get sick. Because we did not get her vaccinated in fear she would have and alergic reaction like her brother. The doctor said that if one of your kids has a reation to there shots then more then likely so would your other children. Jeremy is so scared about wooping cough he wants to give her her shots, but I'm scared she will stop breathing. So were kind of torn right now as to what to do. Well that is all for now. -Jolee

Wednesday, January 10, 2007 A song for Jordon :) Current mood: grateful Category: Music Godspeed (Sweet Dreams) Home (2002) Dragon tales and the "water is wide" Pirate's sail and lost boys fly Fish bite moonbeams every night And I love you Godspeed, little man Sweet dreams, little man Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings Godspeed Sweet dreams The rocket racer's all tuckered out Superman's in pajamas on the couch Goodnight moon, we'll find the mouse And I love you Godspeed, little man Sweet dreams, little man Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings Godspeed Sweet dreams God bless mommy and match box cars God bless dad and thanks for the stars God hears "Amen," wherever we are And I love you Godspeed, little man Sweet dreams, little man Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings Godspeed Godspeed Sweet dreams This is a song I sing when I think about Jordon. If you've never herd it it is worth hearing. It's the sweetest lullibye I've ever herd. BEAUTIFUL!

Sunday, December 17, 2006 I love you Jordon Category: Life Today is the 2 year anniversery of my son Jordon's death. It's hard to believe that he has been gone 2 years already. Sometimes I get so worried that the longer it's been the more I will forget about. Not him just little memories of him. But I know that I will see him again. It just seem like such a long time away :( I miss him every day. And I'm sure I always will.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006 Jaida's Big Day Is Near Category: Life Ok so I went to the doctor today and he said I'm dialated to 3 and I'm 70% effaced. So he thinks I'll go in the next couple of days. If not then In a week (on Jeremy's B-Day) he will strip my membrains to put me in labbor. I can't belive it's already hear. Please pray for a safe delivery and healthy baby. Lots of Love Jeremy and Jolee

Tuesday, July 11, 2006 Baby girl Current mood: excited Category: Life So I just wanted to write a blog to let everyone know that Jeremy and I are having a girl. The name we have decided is Jaida Rose. I am due on Dec. 5th but I think I will have her the week of thanksgiving. I had my son Jordon a few weeks early so I think I'll go early with this one too. I hope I talk to you all soon